Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
