i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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