hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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