I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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