i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
