I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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