textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
