Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
