You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
