I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
