Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
