Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just cropdusted the office
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
