phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
splinters make it hard to masturbate
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
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