A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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