Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
