I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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