dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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