i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
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