"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
