Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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