Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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