dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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