Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
