I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
