all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
