tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
