I hope mine doesn't look like that
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
