it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
