i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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