I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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