Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
