yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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