Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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