I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
