Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
