One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just high enough for therapy.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
