At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
