I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
