After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
