apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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