That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
