Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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