dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
