my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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