I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
