so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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