she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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