I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Randomize
