dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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