I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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