can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
