is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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