yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
