i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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